inside the absence of fear

There’s this Jewel song I love, that I’ve always loved. It’s a love song called “Absence of Fear.” Although I’ve never been great at remembering them, lyrics have always had the intrinsic ability to draw me in, to speak to me and for me. I use them a lot to express emotions or to say things that I don’t have the guts to use my own words for. “Absence of Fear” has always been so beautiful to me because it describes a place in us that is void of fear, of self consciousness, or worry, of doubt. A perfect place where the one our hearts desire meets us. It’s a love song about a woman and the place inside her soul for her man. I love that aspect of it, but as I was thinking about that song this morning, I thought how beautifully it describes how the Lord wants our relationship to be with him. He wants to meet us inside that complete absence of fear.

Lately I feel like I’ve been coming into my own, and have taken on more and more an attitude of fearlessness. I’ve been saying the things that are on my mind without fear that my thoughts and perspectives will not match up with those around me. I’ve been sharing my art, without fear that no one else will ‘get’ it. I’ve been dressing more and more truly to myself, without fear that my clothes will be judged or deemed out of style. I feel like my “BS” tolerance factor is at an all time low, which correlates to my attitude of fearlessness. I won’t put up with ridiculousness out of fear of stepping on toes if I stand up and speak out.

This morning, specifically, I was listing in my head all the things I have to fear, and why, frankly, I just don’t. These are things I’ve feared in the past, or that lots of people face.

Money. Career. Success.
I’ll lump those all in to one. I’m just over it. Yes, I still want to have a job that gives me fulfillment and that I enjoy. I don’t want to work for peanuts either. But ya know, I’ve been on both ends of success and my happiness and fulfillment was never a direct effect of what I was doing. I do not fear not being successful. My success in life is not based on where I go to work each day. I do not fear being poor. I am poor. And I’m in one of the happiest times of my life. I do not fear financial ruin. I’ve “been” there for all practical arguments. And I’m ok. I’ve seen what striving for a financially thriving career can do to ME. I don’t want to be like that. So I do not fear working where the Lord leads me to work. I have no fear concerning my ‘career’. I like having stuff. Clothes are fun. My car is fun. Eating good food is nice. But none of those things define me and I no longer fear losing them, because they no longer make me who I am. I am thankful for them and enjoy them immensely. My joy would still be complete without.

Love.
I’ve been on both ends of heartbreak. I’ve survived both. I’ve been single and taken. And equally happy. I do not fear never getting married. Sometimes marriage freaks me out anyway and I’m thankful I’m single. Ok marriage freaks me out most of the time. That’s not to say it doesn’t intrigue me as well. It’s fascinating. So is single life. My friends and family give me more joy than you can imagine and marriage is not on my mind. I do not fear living this life the way it is. Forever.

Acceptance.
Over it. I’ve done so many things in my life to be accepted. I’ve changed my hair and my clothes and my laugh and my taste in music. You name it. And for what? For some people that I admire to like me for who I am not. Enough said. I do not fear not being accepted for being who I am.

Health.
My body has been through it. It’s been broken to the point of no return, and has returned. I’ve seen His healing power in ways I cannot even begin to describe to you. My body is not my own. I do not fear getting sick. Or being broken. This type of fear is crippling and I refuse to give it root.

There are more I’m sure. The Lord tells us again and again not to fear. So why must we insist on living our lives preventing the things we are not supposed to fear? He tells us to ask for our daily bread. So why do we fear that we will not have provision 5 years from now? We’re not even promised tomorrow much less 5 more years. Why do we fear not being loved. His is the only perfect sustaining love and we are unable to separate ourselves from it. If I chose to abide in Him in every moment, to take each moment captive and say, ‘in this moment, and just in this moment, I will abide in you, and you will give me life’ what else is left to fear? I want Him to meet me inside the absence of fear. And out of that, be fearless.

“Absence of Fear” lyrics.

Inside my skin there is this place
it twists and turns
it bleeds and aches
inside my heart
there’s an empty room
it’s waiting for lightening
its waiting for you
for i am wanting
i am needing you here
inside the absence of fear

muscle and sinew
velvet and stone
this vessel is haunted
it creaks and moans
my bones call out to you
in their separate skin
make myself translucent
to let you in, for
i am wanting
and i am needing you here
inside the absence of fear

there is this hunger
this restlessness inside of me
it knows that your no stranger
you’re my gravity
my hands will adore you through
all darkness aim
they will lay you out in moonlight
and reinvent your name
for i am wanting
and i am needing you here
i need you near

Aren’t they beautiful. I especially love the “you’re my gravity” line. Isn’t He though?

Live fearlessly knowing your gravity will never release you.

Patina

what’s your shade
your tarnish
your remorse

what’s the route
that demands
your recourse

what’s the path
you took
that let you down

what memories
make your
regret abound

how’d your shine
go dull
get buffed out

how’d you lose
that twinkle
in doubt

we all got patina
a sad story
to tell

but we all got hope
a true story

To yell.

tiny hope

tiny fingers curled
on the tiny hand that
rests on my chest

i just stare in awe
and hold my breath
to listen to the rhythm of hers

sweet clementine. my mom caught me staring at her the other night, completely wrapped up in her tiny face, and asked me what was wrong. i was suprised at the question but it made sense. i was looking at her, and wishing already that she didnt have to grow up. that we could just take care of her forever. that she would never have to get hurt, or struggle. that she wouldnt have to deal with boys or insecurities or worry about a job. i cant explain how much i love her already. its weird.  i cant begin to imagine a parents love.

at the same time that i was wishing she never had to grow up, i was also excited for her too. i hope she dreams big! i hope she has lofty hopes and aspirations like her mom and aunt. i hope we can foster her curiosity and creativity like our parents did ours. i hope she knows she can do anything! there’s so much hope for her already, she’s not even big enough to hold it all. she will be!! and i cant wait.

hopefully i’ll spoil her along the way. and get her dirty. and teach her to color outside the lines. and throw conformity to the wind. and to love herself, for herself. oh my darlin you have no idea!!! love love love.

self portrait

im wearing my dads deodorant today
and i havent brushed my hair all week
there’s a whole in my sock
and i had cookies for breakfast

i sleep til the last second
on wet hair
that never gets tangled
like these circling emotions
and tangent thoughts

i got blisters on my heart
and bruises on my resolve
but im standing tall
in these yellow heels that hurt
my half healed knee

i got a fun car
but i ignore the mail
hoping nothing will come that
will make me sweat
and regret those wheels
i had to have

gonna be late for work again
and my gas tank’s hovering on e
im such a holy hot mess but
you’d never know to look at me

i get my hopes up over so many things
i dream
i scheme, believe

i get let down by so many things
i steam
i seethe, can’t breathe

im wearing my dads deodorant on today
and i havent brushed my hair all week.

extrano mexico

I really wish i was here this week……….. thinking and praying for all our friends and family in mexico.

majesty

we studied matthew 21:1-11 last night at church. after the 30 minute prayer time before church, my pen just started moving.

‘the majesty that was when he rode into the city- when they laid out the palm leaves so the feet of his donkey wouldnt have to touch the ground- that majesty- that picture of grandeur- that glory is evident and available for us everyday. every morning we wake up is ushered in with that majesty- every worship song we sing- every day we live, every moment spent with him is full of that apparent, overwhelming, real, tangible majesty. don’t ever forget that every moment is accompanied by him. every breath is a blessing and beautifully majestic.’

beauty

she may possibly be the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen

things i dream about…

my bucket list… of sorts

• go to calcutta for a while and take care of the dying
• go back to school… for one or more of the following:
  MFA in creative writing, MA or MFA in fashion design, MA in english, MA in foreign language (hispanic studies)
• join the teach for america program
• see every state, especially maine..
• skydive
• wear a white dress and be the most beautiful girl in the room… at least for one person.
• backpack, like.. for real, in europe
• run a marathon and defy all the odds
• stand on ‘the dirt‘ …Isreal
• be debt free
• become fluent in spanish
• stay at while at ‘the simple way‘ in philadelphia
• learn to drive a stick
• ski again. both water and snow…  (and believe that its possible)
• write a book, have it published
• see greece, sweden, tokyo, ireland, morocco, india, egypt, south africa, australia,
  thailand, spain… and more.
• learn to swing, salsa, tango, flamenco, mambo, lindy hop, cha cha, jive.. etc.
• swing dance with my daddy at my wedding
• climb a mountain. a tall one.
• learn to play the guitar
• write a love song
• learn a graphic program so i can create the ideas in my head
• ride in a side car!!

ANNNDDD… more. I’ll add to this… and hopefully cross some things out along the way.

a prayer

just a prayer- i write them down sometimes. and usually wouldnt share, but maybe somebody else needs this prayer right now too.

‘dear lord i pray tonight that i would find my contentment in you. that these crazy irrationalities in my head will be replaced by truth. by love. by the one constant i will ever know. lord i pray that you will give me the desire to seek you more. to seek you consistently. to want to know. to know you- intimately. so intimately that none of these other thoughts even ever come up. ever matter. lord i pray for a knowledge of my own identity in you so solid that what i think others may think will never matter- will never arise. that i will not be threatened by what i cannot control. lord i pray for peace tonight. peace in my heart. peace in my mind. lord i pray for an attitude that will glorify you. lord i pray for a desire to waste no time- to use my gifts. lord i pray for resolve- for strength- lord i pray you will teach me to replace my name with your own. for your sake. for your glory. not for my own. never. for my own. amen.’

forever 21?

So, tomorrow’s my birthday… and I’ve just been thinking some thoughts that birthdays always seem to bring. I’ll be 2……7. Which.. kinda seems like a scary number, but if living in California taught me anything, its that age really doesn’t mean a darn thing. Its one of the best things I learned there. Growing up southern teaches you silly things about age, and I’m so thankful I got to see a different perspective on it.

I don’t care that I’m not married with kids. Thankful actually. I hope for it one day but jeez I’m glad I didn’t rush that because I was “suppose” to. Whenever and whoever that happens with will be so much sweeter because it’ll be on our time, not because we were following some outdated social ritual… ya know. (i could put a disclaimer here for all my ‘married young’ friends… but im not.. its my birthday and i don’t have to).

I don’t care that I’m not on specific career path and I know exactly where I’m going. All I know is that I’m not stuck at some job that I don’t want to be at. I have options. I can change my mind. I can go back to school if I wanted to because now I know the things that I love. Age… psh.. who cares about age!! Do what you love at any age.

I dont care that a lot of my friends are younger than me…. and some way older. We get along. We have fun. We support each other and care about each other. I always think people put way too much emphasis on age in friendships and relationships. Like.. really… what difference does it make? Luckily I’m not surrounded by this a whole lot… my sister in law is 5 years older than my brother. My sister is 3 years older than her husband. I give em both mad props for it not even being an issue. (and I’m glad my young friends like hangin out with an old lady…. )

I joke a lot about being old… but I’m pretty sure I’m in my prime. My life is crazy right now and super stressful but I’m having so much fun with it. I’m at a point where I can really enjoy my friends and really enjoy my family and I’ve finally learned that there’s no “place” I should be in life because of how old (or young) I am. I just am where I am and all those outliers dont matter anymore. So…. yay for my birthday!! I’m excited to celebrate another year. Hopefully they just keep getting better!!!!