you dont have to be strong in this

December 29, 2008

Last night at church was brag on jesus 2008 night. Even though i was familiar with most of the stories, it was still such an awesome thing to hear about how god did such great things in all these situations. All I kept thinking though, was that if I got up and spoke, all I would be able to say was how bad 2008 sucked.

Encouraging right? My life is peppered with the ridiculous. Sometimes good, sometimes bad… but I pretty much always feel like there is something going on in my life that’s just a little extreme. 2008 was no different. It started off hard, was hard in the middle and ended with a big huge hard bang.

2 days before Christmas I was served with a lawsuit from Perkins Rowe for defaulting on my lease there. For circumstances (for the most part) beyond my control I was unable to open my store there, can’t fulfill the lease, and am being sued for the entirety of the 5 year lease, plus fees you could never dream of. We are counter-suing of course, and i honestly feel deep down that they will never win, but this is the most terrifying situation I have ever been in. I dont have anything for them to take, and even if they do win they’ll never be able to recover the amount they are suing for. Still.

The repercussions of this are monumental. They could own the next 10 years of my life. Literally. Legally. And my lawyer wont call me back.

Lawsuit aside, my business venture failed. My dream did not succeed. My hopes were ripped from under my feet. Dramatic much? It is dramatic but that part is just as heart wrenching as anything else. I put everything I had into planning that store. Thats HARD.

Even writing this is a stretch for me. I’m the type of person that “owns” life. I command situations. I have control. I’m independent. I dont need. I dont ask for help. 99 percent of the time if you ask me how I am, I’m just fine thanks. If you ask me how my store is (even if I’ve had the worst month of sales all year) Its doing just fine thanks. I put up emotional walls a jackhammer couldn’t break. I handle it.

I’m not so sure about this. Handling it. How do you? How do i? 1 minute at a time. 1 slow ticking minute at a time. Last night someone told me “Lana, you dont have to be strong in this.” Those words repeated themselves to me over and over all night long. I kept hearing them, like Jesus knew i needed to and just kept whispering them in my ear. I woke up hearing them. They are so different from what I know and how I operate but the truth in them will be my salvation. I dont have to. Not me.

2008 sucked. At the same time it was amazing. Awe inspiring. Rich with miracle. Saturated with love, hope, truth. I know 2009 will be no different. It will be hard. But God is for me. WHO then, can come against me? A year from now i know i’ll share my story, and how God overcame the ridiculous. again. Always. Steadfastly. Without fail. Knowing that will get me through the next 60 seconds. And the 60 following that. And before i know it the dawn will come.

***this is probably the most incoherent piecey patchy thing i’ve ever written. its babel. and i apologize. but writing things, this thing, helps. so thanks for reading. šŸ™‚ ***


One Response to “you dont have to be strong in this”

  1. debbie Says:

    I’m with you… I put everything I had into becoming a court reporter and having nothing come from it but $60k in school loans sucks… 2008 was much the same for me – hit after hit after hit… and yet, I’m still here and some relationships have grown because of it all, and some people have been positively affected by it, and (I hope) his glory has shown above all

    know I love you and am praying for you…

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