identify

February 26, 2009

the earth moves
like a treadmill
under my weary feet
moving fast
to the pace of monotony.
ages to ages
ageless it remains
in constant motion
to nowhere.
and run, i run
to get there too.
stop to stand
o sink quick in the sand
so step,
i step
to stay.

(Feb. 25, 2009)

“Lately” has been a pretty crazy time for me. The earth is NOT moving like a treadmill.. constant and smooth. Its quaking and shaking me to the core. Its a good thing. Shaking feels good. Like a breaking dawn. I’m always surprised at just how far God will push us, me. Surprised in a ‘you mean you love me some MORE’ kinda way. A couple weeks ago at community group we talked about sacrifice, and we were asked what would be our “Isaac”? Meaning… what is in our lives, that we cherish more than anything, or that would destroy us if we had to sacrifice it… or even just what would be the hardest for us to give up. I said my identity.

Let me explain. Losing my family or friends would KILL me… absolutely. But… I just decided to push myself another direction. God’s been teaching me a lot about identity lately, and pride. By identity I dont mean my identity in Him. I’ll never lose that. What I mean is the image I’ve created for myself. Who I am. This encompasses so much for me. To me, my identity (apart from being of christ and in christ) is the girl who owns the boutique, drives the fun car, is put together.. etc, you get it. I’ve said it a lot but I’m one who has things under control. Or so it would seem… its an emanation that hasn’t been given off by accident. So.. this image, this persona that people think I am, would be a difficult thing to give up. Well… here I go. You’d think God would let us off with just saying these things out loud, right… by just admitting them. Uh uh. No sir. Not for me. (thanks pop).

I am… getting rid of the store. I’ll either sell it or close it, but I’m confident knowing that’s the direction I need to take. That will no longer be who I am. Ouch. I loved being that person. So I’ve been kind of seeking out new jobs… just seeing what’s out there and I’ve realized that I’m still holding on to that image of myself. I dont want to work in an office or sell insurance or.. you know, have a normal job! But… I’m slowly getting over that and realizing that what I do for a living does not make me who I am. It doesnt change me and I’m starting to think having a ‘normal’ job will actually give me a lot of freedom to realize who I am apart from what I’ve created… if that makes sense. So I’m in this really strange awkward fun exciting new stressful hard crazy place. And i feel new… i feel young… i feel fresh. Its HARD to be here. But I’m here and for once I’m gonna embrace it and not try to smooth it over or ignore it or deny it. Im just gonna be.

oh.. and, no… i didnt mispell the title. i meant to write identify. 🙂

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