inside the absence of fear

September 1, 2009

There’s this Jewel song I love, that I’ve always loved. It’s a love song called “Absence of Fear.” Although I’ve never been great at remembering them, lyrics have always had the intrinsic ability to draw me in, to speak to me and for me. I use them a lot to express emotions or to say things that I don’t have the guts to use my own words for. “Absence of Fear” has always been so beautiful to me because it describes a place in us that is void of fear, of self consciousness, or worry, of doubt. A perfect place where the one our hearts desire meets us. It’s a love song about a woman and the place inside her soul for her man. I love that aspect of it, but as I was thinking about that song this morning, I thought how beautifully it describes how the Lord wants our relationship to be with him. He wants to meet us inside that complete absence of fear.

Lately I feel like I’ve been coming into my own, and have taken on more and more an attitude of fearlessness. I’ve been saying the things that are on my mind without fear that my thoughts and perspectives will not match up with those around me. I’ve been sharing my art, without fear that no one else will ‘get’ it. I’ve been dressing more and more truly to myself, without fear that my clothes will be judged or deemed out of style. I feel like my “BS” tolerance factor is at an all time low, which correlates to my attitude of fearlessness. I won’t put up with ridiculousness out of fear of stepping on toes if I stand up and speak out.

This morning, specifically, I was listing in my head all the things I have to fear, and why, frankly, I just don’t. These are things I’ve feared in the past, or that lots of people face.

Money. Career. Success.
I’ll lump those all in to one. I’m just over it. Yes, I still want to have a job that gives me fulfillment and that I enjoy. I don’t want to work for peanuts either. But ya know, I’ve been on both ends of success and my happiness and fulfillment was never a direct effect of what I was doing. I do not fear not being successful. My success in life is not based on where I go to work each day. I do not fear being poor. I am poor. And I’m in one of the happiest times of my life. I do not fear financial ruin. I’ve “been” there for all practical arguments. And I’m ok. I’ve seen what striving for a financially thriving career can do to ME. I don’t want to be like that. So I do not fear working where the Lord leads me to work. I have no fear concerning my ‘career’. I like having stuff. Clothes are fun. My car is fun. Eating good food is nice. But none of those things define me and I no longer fear losing them, because they no longer make me who I am. I am thankful for them and enjoy them immensely. My joy would still be complete without.

I’ve been on both ends of heartbreak. I’ve survived both. I’ve been single and taken. And equally happy. I do not fear never getting married. Sometimes marriage freaks me out anyway and I’m thankful I’m single. Ok marriage freaks me out most of the time. That’s not to say it doesn’t intrigue me as well. It’s fascinating. So is single life. My friends and family give me more joy than you can imagine and marriage is not on my mind. I do not fear living this life the way it is. Forever.

Over it. I’ve done so many things in my life to be accepted. I’ve changed my hair and my clothes and my laugh and my taste in music. You name it. And for what? For some people that I admire to like me for who I am not. Enough said. I do not fear not being accepted for being who I am.

My body has been through it. It’s been broken to the point of no return, and has returned. I’ve seen His healing power in ways I cannot even begin to describe to you. My body is not my own. I do not fear getting sick. Or being broken. This type of fear is crippling and I refuse to give it root.

There are more I’m sure. The Lord tells us again and again not to fear. So why must we insist on living our lives preventing the things we are not supposed to fear? He tells us to ask for our daily bread. So why do we fear that we will not have provision 5 years from now? We’re not even promised tomorrow much less 5 more years. Why do we fear not being loved. His is the only perfect sustaining love and we are unable to separate ourselves from it. If I chose to abide in Him in every moment, to take each moment captive and say, ‘in this moment, and just in this moment, I will abide in you, and you will give me life’ what else is left to fear? I want Him to meet me inside the absence of fear. And out of that, be fearless.

“Absence of Fear” lyrics.

Inside my skin there is this place
it twists and turns
it bleeds and aches
inside my heart
there’s an empty room
it’s waiting for lightening
its waiting for you
for i am wanting
i am needing you here
inside the absence of fear

muscle and sinew
velvet and stone
this vessel is haunted
it creaks and moans
my bones call out to you
in their separate skin
make myself translucent
to let you in, for
i am wanting
and i am needing you here
inside the absence of fear

there is this hunger
this restlessness inside of me
it knows that your no stranger
you’re my gravity
my hands will adore you through
all darkness aim
they will lay you out in moonlight
and reinvent your name
for i am wanting
and i am needing you here
i need you near

Aren’t they beautiful. I especially love the “you’re my gravity” line. Isn’t He though?

Live fearlessly knowing your gravity will never release you.


One Response to “inside the absence of fear”

  1. Eryn Says:

    i really really really love this post. Hit home with me. I love your heart Lana.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: