passion. is.

June 28, 2010

i turn on the movie. alone in my house. everyone i know is mia. its about time i watch this movie anyway. Quinton Aaron is walking down the street as Michael Oher. And i start to cry. the film hasn’t been on 5 minutes and my heart is in my throat. i want to turn the movie off because i know what it will stir up. i keep watching.

social injustice has always angered me. confused me. broken my heart. baffled my logic. if you asked me if there was one thing in the world that i was passionate about, this, i now understand, would be it. social injustice in general, but poverty tugs at me the most. i think we are all pulled in different directions for a reason. none of us can bear this broken world completely on our shoulders. so he breaks it up for us and burdens our hearts in different ways.

so i’m trying to be strong and not cry over the reality that there are michael ohers all over the country and my mind goes in to overdrive. a light that i both want and dont want is turned on in my brain and heart and conscience and spirit and whatever other internal driver that i’ll never comprehend. IM PASSIONATE. about something. don’t we all want to just know that we have a passion for SOMETHING?

i met someone a little while ago who has more passion about his job than any one i’ve ever met. he’s one of those people that makes you wonder about what you’re doing with your life. being around him is intimidating because you suddenly want what you do to matter… to yourself if no one else. over the weeks of getting to know him i knew that i wasn’t passionate about my job, even though at the time i thought i loved it. and that there probably would never be a job or career that i would care about as much as he and his. this meant, one, that i could leave my work at work. which was a good thing. but two, it left me wondering if there was anything in this world that i could truly put all of myself into. i was reminded, as the time unfolded, that no, my passion does not and never has lain in the realm of work, at least as america looks at it. and i was relieved.

partly thanks to the story of the touhy’s, what has been there all along was suddenly brought to the surface. my passion is people. people who are hurting. people who have no where else to go. i want to hug on kids who don’t get that many hugs. to have conversations with people who don’t get to have that many conversations. i just want to love. i think i’m probably really bad at that part. loving. love is completely selfless. i am not. but i want to be. love doesnt care about money or status or things or looks or wit or careers. i do. i want to give everyone a chance. to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. one bad decision and we really could all have different lives. we could have their lives. i would want someone to love me with integrity if i was in their shoes. golden rule, no? so. i’m trying. like i said. i’m not really good at it. but i am passionate about getting better.

i originally thought about writing this because i was ashamed at how i’d realized all those things bubbling underneath. a movie? really? but, in the end… who am i to knock the avenues used to wake us up? i have a feeling that movie stirred up a lot of things in a lot of people. its hard not to look at a family like that and say ‘they can do that, they’re wealthy.’ True, but the biggest thing they gave michael was their time. so, when all i have to give is my time, in conversation or a hug or whatever it may be, i will try to give just that. and not be selfish with my time as ‘success’ calls me to be. this is truly a jumbled mess. but its been in my head a long time. and putting things on ‘paper’ is sometimes the only way to make them real for me.

so. i hope this becomes real. i hope i wont treat my passion the way i’ve treated everything else.

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